


Sometimes I Will (Need You) Leave You.

by cosmiccastles



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Incest, M/M, Sadstuck, Sibling Incest, Stridercest - Freeform, Unrequited Love through Self-Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 02:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmiccastles/pseuds/cosmiccastles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>conversations between and towards brothers as well as selves; or: disconnected bits and pieces of quiet unspoken thoughts and emotions hinting at a relationship frightening and fragmented</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes I Will (Need You) Leave You.

**Author's Note:**

> title drawn from [/ / /](https://soundcloud.com/crystal-castles/leni)
> 
> "I will love him from the grave."

I am an adult (an infant trapped in a man’s broken body) cradled in the arms of a child. I am not strong. I am pathetic. (And that is all you are. Just a child.)

I haven’t changed. I’ll never change. (One sad constant and center of control in our lives, and that’s all I ask for - control.)

i miss you i need you speak to me its okay we can talk talking is okay touching is okay loving is okay (love me) (love me the way i want and need to be loved) (this is the love ive been yearning for all these years) (dont be afraid to feel) (dont be afraid to touch) (dont be afraid to love) 

I shouldn't feel, I shouldn’t love, (I shouldn’t breathe) feeling is weakness, it’s loss of power and control and I need that, I need to be strong. I need to help, not harm, and the sort of love I want can only hurt, and I’ve hurt you enough as is. I’m sorry. (You weaken me more than anything else, and I resent you for that.)

If I can’t control my own emotions, what else is there? (Besides you. You are a beautiful, painful constant.)

You are my darling, fragile doll. My finest creation. (I will rip you apart at the seams.) I will repair you and make you into something better than you are. (I can’t fix you. I can’t fix us.)

There are times when I will need you. There are times when I will leave you. I hope to God you understand. (I leave because my need scares me. I want you so badly, it’s terrifying.) (My mind intimidates myself. Help me not be so afraid. Turn me into something greater than a coward.) (I can’t be scared of you. I can’t be scared for you, for us. I need to be brave. You need me to be brave.) (I can’t stand exposing my weakness to you like this. I’m sorry for being weak, for not being the man you deserve.) I can hardly stand to say I love you. That’s the most terrifying thing of all. (If anything, I will love you most after I’m gone.)

consume me  
take me in  
let me become a permanent part of you (this is a constant, this is something you want isnt it)  
ill always give you what you want (do you want me) (you can have me, all of me)

I go to the roof because part of me wishes I’d fall.

You will never be pure again after this.  
i dont care  
(i will clean your impurities, i will make you better)  
You won’t succeed.

I will always let you down. (I am a failure, a disappointment, and it’s nobody’s fault but my own - and yet I do nothing to fix it.) (The cycle of self-loathing is cyclical, and I’ve never made the effort to break out.) (I’m too exhausted for that.) I want to be good for you.  
you are good for me  
You are a lying child - and that’s all you are, a child. (I’m a child, too.)

Why do I yearn for a youth that was terrible for me?

We have had years of silence between us. (I’m too scared to speak. Please forgive me.)

I have been slowly suffocating since the day I was born. I want to take off my head. (Maybe if I remove it, I’ll be able to take out all of the bad things inside - scoop out the black, rotting parts of my brain.) (No, I don’t think I’d love you the way I do if I did that.) (I don’t think I’m sorry.)

do you even know if im alive (do you care) (do you want me alive) (if you want me gone ill leave)

The crows are staring with beady eyes and crooked beaks. Feathers and fur fill my nightmares, and when I wake, my eyes flicker with green fire and the sight of your blood - acid orange and yellow, beautiful and searing like the sun.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. (Nothing makes me happier than you. Nothing makes me sadder than you.) (I will sing you to sleep with that song and hope you have no nightmares. Sing me to sleep with it. When I die, hold me and whisper it into my ear.) You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. (Please take my sunshine away.)

the stench of rotting child clings to me  
is this why you never want to be around me  
(you are the reason i rot; pick my maggots out for me, its the least you deserve)

Every slight you speak against me I deserve. Bruise me, break me. I need this. Make me hurt. (Make me hurt worse than I make you hurt.) (I’m sorry. I don’t mean to.) (Mostly.)

My heart is empty and has been destroyed. (I destroyed it myself.) Take it. It’s yours and I don’t want it anymore.  
i want your heart i want your soul i want your everything

please come home  
i miss you and i need you here  
even if its fleeting  
(please just touch my shoulder and tell me youre okay, that im okay, that youre proud of me and im going to be fine were going to be fine) (i just want things to be okay between us)  
They never will be.  
i know  
(I hate the way your voice shatters as you say that.)  
may i hold you  
No.  
youre all ive got left  
So are you.  
i love you  
Don’t.  
i cant  
I know.  
im sorry  
So am I.  
i know


End file.
